I woke up in the middle of the night last night and made my way to the bathroom with my eyes still closed. This isn’t a rare occurrence by any means but tonight’s experience was different than most. Usually this is a relatively quick and painless process, as I maintain my sleepiness and make my way back to bed where I get comfortable and fall right back asleep. 

This time was different and not in a good way. With my eyes still closed I was offended with an image of my husband’s truck being T-boned by another driver, with my husband and my oldest, Austin, in the truck. The image and the thoughts which were associated with it were very disturbing. 

Logically, I realized that since I knew that John and Austin were leaving in the morning to head off the peninsula to go pick up Ian’s birthday present (a gently used quad), which would require several hours of travel in the truck to a distance quite far away from me, that I was experiencing some worry. I figured it was because I am rarely far away from either of my kids and given the situation, I was experiencing some lack of control and being able to protect my baby. Of course, I know that John would do everything in his power to protect Austin also but that is the nature of irrational fears. 

It did help for me to recognize that I was experiencing an irrational fear and the associated anxiety was the manifested feeling. This is where I would usually disregard the thought and move on, not giving it anymore power. However, the thoughts continued to flow and since I understand that thoughts and feelings have power, and focusing on them for even 16-17 seconds will begin to gain momentum, now I found my anxiety increasing as my irrational fear of a collision grew to include a fear of manifesting that which I do not want. I also could not disregard the thought that I may be experiencing a premonition. That of course, only made matters worse.

I began to fantasize of ways that I could convince Austin to stay home with me. I could tell John that he deserves to have some time to himself, taking the trip alone so that he could just listen to music and enjoy the freedom of running solo. I could come up with something fun to entice Austin to want to stay home with me, maybe even plan to take him and his brother to go do something especially fun, all with the goal of curbing my anxiety and soothing myself into feeling better. Of course, there is still the fear of something happening to John while he is gone, but that seemed impossible to avoid as I would have to convince him that he should cancel his plans, and the birthday present because of a feeling I was having. 

It took longer than usual but I was able to get back to sleep, only revisiting the thoughts a couple of times as I woke up slightly to get comfortable. When the time came for John to get up, I no longer had the anxiety or the fear… well, mostly it was gone. I noticed some residual fear as I said goodbye to Austin and was mindful of feeling his hug and breathing him in, in case the worst should occur. Even writing that makes me feel horrible. 

I fought the irrational nature of my thoughts and feelings because I found some more comforting thoughts to attach to
1) I know that we are always in the receiving mode of something. Our thoughts and emotions communicate the specifics of that to us. I clearly was in the receiving mode of fear when I woke up. My intuition tells me that I was likely having some kind of nightmare upon me waking. Fear is a monster and preys on our weaknesses. For me, my greatest fear is the “death” (put in quotes since there is no real death) of my children, hence, those thoughts pursued.  
2) When I have had premonitions in the past, they felt different than this did. This didn’t feel like a “knowing”. It felt like pure fear.
3) John and Austin are protected by their own Inner Beings and I trust this 100%
4) I recognized the irrational nature of my thoughts and was reminded of the similarity of them to when I experienced post-partum anxiety (those were fears of my child dying also) so I knew that I was picking up on a vibration which I had experienced before and since our vibration is always where you last left it, it would make sense that it would present in similar fashion.
5) John is an extremely positive person. In order for a collision like that to occur, that would need to line up vibrationally, and that is highly unlikely.

Motherhood has allowed me to know a love unlike any love I had known before. As is the divine dichotomy, it also has allowed me to know the greatest fear of my life. Perhaps the opposite of love is not hate, but fear instead. Knowing the truth about Universal Law has helped me to decrease my negative emotions. This is one example of how that works in my life. I believe that alignment is the solution to all problems. Even though I am not able to always maintain my alignment, having this knowledge-base allows me to decrease the degree to which I experience negative emotions and apply it as a means to help me climb up in emotion and closer to alignment.